A Hermit Crab Essay

The Schedule of an Asexual Girl
Monday	Tuesday
Things To-Do	Rot in Bed in the morning (Scroll through TikTik edits of fictional couples  Ignore the messages on dating apps.  Force yourself to dress cute (Not like it will matter)  Try and flirt with a guy on a dating app (fail miserably, it adds to the experience) Say not getting a response is normal  Tell yourself you need to get out more (it won’t help)	Things To-Do	Wake up at noon because you spent last night overthinking your romantic life again.  Message the guy back. Men are easily impatient.  Deal with the random text from the family friend. (She didn’t like the Ace post you made. She thinks it’s not real.  Remind yourself your Ace. If you don’t you’ll become one of the doubters.  Dress down. You didn’t feel pretty yesterday.  Read a romance book.  Question if you would do the things in the book that your favorite characters do.
Dates planned for the future	None	Dates planned for the future	One
Insecurities	All of them	Yay: Will there be intimacy?	He called me sexy so maybe?
Inspiration for the day: Remind yourself that Asexual people can be in a relationship to… it just might take a while before you can find that other rare asexual.  Are they out there? Yes.  Will they find you? I don’t know :)	Will you agree?	Idk am I supposed to say yes?
Insecurities	Do people like to be called sexy? Is it a confidence booster or something mentally damaging?
Inspiration for the day:	Normally, when a guy calls you sexy, it’s his dumb way of calling you cute. Recognize might not mean what you think. Maybe it was a complement. Being called sexy doesn't mean you have to participate in said “sexual” actions. I mean, it normally doesn’t. It’s hard to tell with men.
Wednesday	Thursday
Things To-Do	Wake up late again. You spent too long looking in the mirror last night.  Message another guy. Nothing is exclusive.  Google search ace dating apps, they don’t exist.  Be sad about it.  Plan the date some more, it’s scary for some freaking reason.  Tell him you are ace Roommate tells you about her date. Pretend to understand. You don’t though.	Things To-Do	Wake up early in the morning because you have your date today (the date is at seven in the afternoon what are you doing) Dress to impress (who are you trying to impress)  Ask yourself if you need to show skin on the first date. He called you sexy so is it what he wants to see?  Yay, another Ace on the dating app!  Boo you have nothing else in common. Ask if you should go out anyway  Leave for date Hold the hand when he wants to hold it.  Be stiff the whole time because what is going on.  He keeps looking at you. Question it. Question everything.  Come home confused.
Dates planned for the future:	One still	Date Today: How did it go?	Fine I think? He held my hand a few times and kept pulling me close to him. I didn’t sense anything malicious. He was really nice… why did it make me feel stiff and terrible?
Insecurities:	New one unlocked (Read a period piece book where the woman was scared about looking ugly bare on wedding night. Is that a thing that drives men away?)	Insecurities:	Am I cut out for this if I can’t even handle holding hands with a guy? They do this in books? Don’t I want this? Why don’t I feel anything other than gross?
Inspiration for the day:	Virgins and people who are ace are different. You don’t have those same wedding night pressures because you will never experience the wedding night as the same as others. Your new insecurity is something you don’t need to worry about because that will never happen to you :)  What if men need to have that night though and there will never be someone who is okay with never seeing you in that state.	Inspiration for the day:	???
Friday	The Weekend
There isn’t a real routine for the day. Everything is confusing. Everything is blending in. Nothing even feels like it should be real.  If you do anything, It's to stare at yourself in the mirror. You will question your sexuality. You will question if you can love someone, if you are capable of being in love. You ask yourself why you want to be in love, yet you can never handle it when it happens. You always run. You don’t like to make eye contact or hold hands. You don’t like planning dates, yet you do it anyway.  What do you want?  Answer: I don’t know.	Things To-Do	Start over  Delete the app  Know you’ll redownload it in a year when nothing happens to you.  No dates to plan. You are taking a “break” from them.  Read your favorite book again (only the romantic shit though)  Want it again Curse yourself cause you could have had it. Listen to more roommate date night stories Be jealous Don’t know why.  Tell yourself your real and valid Doubt it cause fuck it
Insecurities:	Am I allowed to fall in love if I can't be intimate?
Inspiration for the day:	Maybe you can. You have a lot of shit you need to work out.